Weight for it…..

In my 80th decade doing the math is routine. As in: Will I still be here then? How old would I be? Can I still do that? And my favorite, how much weight could I lose in two weeks (time left before an event I have known about for a year)? These things weigh on me.

I re-joined Weight Watchers yesterday. It gives me structure and purpose. It is a busy work diet. Weigh, measure, track, plan. One of the questions they asked, had I belonged previously? WTF First time was in the 60’s! I have probably lost/regained 20 pounds 6 or 7 times. Do the math.

I think I started dieting in 1960. My Mom had some “diet pills” and we sped (literally) thru a summer. At the end we had a fabulous shopping spree at Bullocks, Pasadena, CA. Loads of trendy clothes in smaller sizes. It felt good, jitters aside. But, love of food won, a weight yo-yo for the next 60 plus years. Feel good thinner, beat myself up heavier. Repeat.

I finally, fully understand my problem with the advent of GLP drugs. They promise to shut off the food noise in your head. I have that noise. It is very real. If you don’t have it, it is hard to understand. The drugs scare me.

Now, we are a foodie family. We cook, eat and discuss what we are eating and how we might change it. Then we talk about what we will prepare next time. Now this goes on in my head most of the day. What will I have next? How much? How long before I eat? Also, I eat stressed, calm, happy and sad. I also watch food shows, often while eating! And the cherry on top? I trained and worked as a pastry chef!

Being 20-25 pounds over my goal is not morbidly obese. I look just okay. Gravity is not my friend. At 80 most women reach a deal with themselves. Give up dieting! Life is short, stop obsessing, enjoy the time you have. I hate giving up something because I am 80. I always think I have more time. I want more time. Do the math.

My cousin and my mom both battled cancer and lost. They both lost weight and were overjoyed, bought cute outfits, all while dying.

Maybe it is a control issue. At 80 I have little control over anything. Launching into a diet gives me a plan for a “future”. Assumes I will still be on earth. Something to look forward to. Control can be double edged. Yes, WW works, I am in control. But, I can also be in control by saying “screw you diet, I am in control here and I am eating that burger!” First choice is fulfilling, second full feeling. Will it ever end, or will I just yo-yo til my last meal.

I ramble, but it weighs on me.

Let’s see, I have 11 points left for today…..